THE GREENTEXT KILLER
by MIKE SAUVE
Glossary of Terms
3Edgy5Me: Too edgy for me.
4chan: A popular image board one level below surface Internet. All posters are anonymous, leading to all manner of political incorrectness, depravity and occasional comic brilliance.
Anon: Posters on 4chan go by the name Anon.
/B/: 4chan’s “Random” board, full of racism, porn of dubious legality, and lels (lols). The page that the hacker group Anonymous sprang from.
Beta: The opposite of the alpha male.
Deep Web (aka Dark Web): Websites not catalogued by Google. Full of useless databases, child porn, and the Silk Road.
Greentext: A method of telling stories on 4chan, in point form, with only the essential details included.
/K/: 4chan’s Weapons Board.
Proxies: Proxy networks that create the impression you are browsing from an IP address other than your own.
Three Guys One Hammer: Two guys use the hammer and one is on the receiving end. Legit snuff that’s been online for years.
TOR: A service that allowed for completely anonymous web browsing.
Wincest: Win + Incest
YLYL: You Laugh, You Lose
- - - - - - - - - -
Wake at 4am haunted by nightmares of high school bully Troy and Troy-like figures. In dreams I’m fighting them off and trying to poke them in the eyes but Troy and Troy-like figures too tall and keep wrecking me. So wake up instead.
See Facebook message from Lisa. Heart sings. Even if it’s just in response to several lengthy messages and book recommendations I’d sent her, it’s better than nothing. Hope is allowed to live.
Dad wakes up, asks me what the hell I’m doing up so early.
Fap to Mummification porn category, not sure why.
Eat 200 grams of Doritos.
Wade through a YLYL thread on 4chan. Contribute image of human being cooked just like a turkey, which sure everyone has seen before, but I’m being edgy by posting it in a humor thread and not a gore thread. Some wise-ass responds, “3edgy5me,” meaning, “Not really that edgy at all.”
Visit BestGore. View images of a foot sliced right down the middle, of a guy blown up by an IED, and a few others things I’d seen a bunch of times.
Watch GIF of a woman being shot in the head, very realistic, probably real.
Watch 3 Guys One Hammer. Fap to 3 Guys One Hammer. Has it come to this? It has, and lo.
Read two pages of Nabokov book, eyes get tired because reading off tablet and have already stared at a screen for several hours. Instead find Nabokov quotes on Goodreads and figure I’m safe to send one or two to Lisa since she responded to my last messages.
See Lisa has commented on several of Troy’s Facebook posts. Visit /K/ and look at assault rifles for a few hours. Create a fake email account and make inquiries with local sporting goods stores on the logistics around buying guns.
Swing dad’s hammer a bunch of times at a worn-out couch in our garage.
Dad comes in, “What the hell is wrong with you Anon?”
Mom comes in, “He’s just venting.”
Dad, “That’s a weird way to vent. I don’t like it.”
Agreement is reached I won’t vent with the hammer so much.
Try to watch a few minutes of football with my dad to seem normal, but am extremely bored by football and all the commercials, and go back to 4chan on my tablet. Try to visit the SFW board, but am bored by it. Go to /B/, next thing you know I’m looking at a Wincest thread and my dad, during a commercial, is like, “What are you looking at?” and I hastily power down tablet, basically illustrating, “Looking at horrible stuff as usual.”
Very dry roast beef for dinner.
Simpsons at 8.
Sunday Night Football at 8:30, watch 15 minutes, go upstairs, fap to a sizzle reel of the greasiest scenes from A Serbian Film and then fall asleep because I’d been up since 4am.
Hassled by Troy and Troy’s pals on bus.
Know better than to stick up for myself, just keep head down and wait for them to get bored.
Afraid to play Marvel Puzzle Quest on my phone to kill time because they’d find a way to mock even that.
Think about harming Troy. Think about gun ownership. Gun ownership definitely better than hammer dependence, because Troy could probably separate me from the hammer and then I’m at his mercy.
Look at /K/ on my phone alone in hallway. Post thread explaining bully issues, how I want to shoot Troy, ask for advice on how to get away with it.
Lisa passes me in hall. “What are you doing alone?”
“Finishing some homework” I say, autism just exploding out of me, because no homework is in front of me, just my phone, which is on /K/, so I again very quickly power it down.
“Um okay.” Walking away.
“Did you get those movie recommendations, and quotes?”
“Ya, I got them.”
Talk to some of the other freaks, but none of the freaks really like one another, and we all just want to be around the norms. I may enjoy the odd game of Pokemon, but I don’t want to sit around at lunch talking about it because I know how it looks, and each lunch period spent in the safety of Pokemon chat is one more lunch wasted while Lisa moves higher up the social ranks and I move further down.
Get to partner with Lisa in science class.
Sure maybe she’s taking advantage because I have the highest grade in the class. But there’s like light arm brushing, and smiling, and all sorts of great things.
Unlike the other Pokemon dweebs I don’t clam up. I don’t talk about weird shit. I guide us through the science project like a boss.
Class is wrapping up.
Start talking about movies.
End goal is to ask her to come over and watch a movie.
She looks uncomfortable.
Must have sounded like I was preparing for the big rape.
“Or with a bunch of people or whatever,” I say.
Then thinking, “What fucking people?” Pokemon Joe? It’s not happening.
“Sure,” she says.
“K, what day?” I ask.
“Mmm, really busy now, sometime though.”
Incur several charlie horses from Troy’s punches on bus. He punches in the same spot he punched on previous days. Very deep bruise, very painful.
“Will you fucking stop it?”
They imitate shrill tone of my voice.
Can’t the bus driver intervene here?
Fap to 3 Guys One Hammer, picturing Troy as victim.
Experience regret over fapping selection.
Fap 15 minutes later to Innocent Teen Webcam porn to clear the palette so to speak.
Leftover roast for dinner. Even dryer than the previous night, and not much gravy left either, so quite difficult to choke down.
Sister wearing cleavage-revealing outfit at table. Try not to think about all the recent Wincest threads I’ve consumed.
Dad asks if I want to watch the game at 8:30. I would rather watch Monday Night Raw, I say. Discussion on merits of Monday Night Raw vs. Monday Night Football ensues.
Go to room. Read responses to my thread on /K/. Lots of decent murder suggestions. A couple people claiming to know hitmen offer their services, suggest sites on the deep web over good old IRC. I try to steer clear of deep web now that TOR has been compromised though.
Notice my neighbor has a wireless printer. Print 30 pages of horrendous gore, monster dicks, coprophagia, that woman’s body cooked like a turkey, etc.
Fap to Wincest thread.
Drop by sister’s room after.
“What do you want?”
First block is science and project continues with Lisa.
Pass gas once, don’t say anything. She makes nose covering motion. I make eye directions at guy sitting in front of us. Not sure if she buys it.
She starts texting Troy’s friend Luke while I do most of the work.
They’re talking about Troy.
FML x 10,000,000
“What do you think of Troy?” she asks.
“Kind of a jerk. Don’t tell him I said that though.”
“Why do you say that?”
“He’s nice to me.”
Go on Craigslist, make deal with older dude saying I’ll suck his dick if he buys me a gun.
Older dude wants to come over.
Guy is turned on that I live with parents.
Meet guy at gun store after school. He buys gun with my debit card. He seems kind of retarted, which works for me.
Now am tethered to this dude.
Suck his dick in car. Not first time, so not a huge deal, still gross though.
“Do you mind doing this again in 3 days?” I ask.
“Sure, but maybe go further next time”.
Money being spent, I’m now this guy’s love-slave on the next go round, but still, how else are you going to get a gun in Obama’s America as a 16-year-old?
Roast is thankfully finished with, supper of canned chili over perogies. No one is impressed.
With no football on TV dad wants to throw the ball around. I’m hesitant. Sister says she’ll play so I play.
Good clean fun.
Send Lisa a quote from new Tao Lin novel.
Fap to Wincest.
Way more of the same shit.
Highlights: Lisa bending over and the best look at her cleav I’ve had yet.
This purifies my fapping regimen for the next couple days. I even manage to fap once in the shower without audiovisual aid.
Feel like a decent human being for once.
Sister walks by in a towel.
Feel indecent again.
Facebook tells me: Troy Palmer is in a relationship with Lisa Zellini.
Lisa gushing about Troy in science.
Me trying not to give away my plans.
Let guy fuck me in backseat of his car before going to gun store.
Guy can’t keep it up. Takes forever.
Finally guy gets gun and silencer, makes me promise not to do anything stupid.
I’d told him this big story about loving guns and never wanting to shoot it, etc. Then why the silencer haha? Man that guy was dumb, or maybe just really horny, who knows.
Go on /K/ and ask for best ways to dispose of a gun after using it.
Get some solid info.
Ride bike by Troy’s house.
Too many cars.
3 Guys One Hammer.
Some 3Edgy5me posts on /B/.
Initiate wrestling with sister, but she calls me a weirdo and wrestling comes to a halt. Am on receiving end of suspicious look from mom.
Go very briefly on the Deep Web, behind way more than 7 proxies, get freaked out and bail.
Watch DVD of Wrestlemania 6 and fall asleep.
Bike to Troy’s in morning, sit in a park about half a block away. See his parents leave with his little sister.
Put on rubber gloves.
Knock on door.
SHOOT TROY RIGHT IN THE TEMPLE!
Drag Troy’s body inside.
Shoot him again.
No more Troy.
Bike the shit away from there.
No one sees me.
Dispose of gun based on /K/ instructions.
Hoping for the best.
Big to-do over Troy.
Lisa being consoled from every direction though they’d been dating literally two days, not even.
No cops at the house quite yet.
Go in sister’s room.
Take off all my clothes.
Get on the floor.
Everybody walk the dinosaur.
Mike Sauve has written non-fiction for The National Post, Variety, Exclaim! Magazine and other publications. His online fiction has appeared everywhere from Feathertale, Pif Magazine, Monkeybicycle and McSweeney’s Internet Tendency to university journals of moderate renown. Stories have also appeared in print in M-Brane, Criminal Class Review, Filling Station, and elsewhere.
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